I first heard Chichi, before I met her. When she sings on the worship team, the sanctuary stills in peace, and her listeners meet a very real presence of rest. This woman’s joy is contagious and her big, beautiful smile commands a curious and closer look at the origin of her Joy. I am honored for you to meet her today and learn more about her reason for joy…
I still don’t fully believe that I am enough as I am.
Some days require more courage than others to believe that there’s no tweaking that would make me worthier than I already feel. Sometimes the tweaking looks like being silent when there are a myriad of words churning inside of me, for fear of being too much; sometimes it’s choosing the lesser challenge because I’m too terrified to fail at the thing I want the most.
I am a recovering perfectionist – I have a keen eye for detail, and I want those details to be perfect.
This, I’m sure, would serve me well in certain careers, but for matters of wholehearted living, perfectionism ruins me. I’ve been learning that my desire for perfectionism is the exact same desire I have for control which is the exact same desire I have to minimize pain which is a thing better known as fear. I’m understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism – the former born out of a desire to be the best version of myself and the latter born out of the fear that I will be found lacking and, therefore, unworthy of love.
Some days, my heart isn’t so frantic in its striving to prove its worth, and on those days, there is a quiet confidence about me that says, “I know who I am and I love who I am.”
Other days, it is a battle to disprove the thoughts that tell me that if I were just a little more ____ then I would be enough.
I have a running list of disqualifiers in my head – things that immediately take me out of the running for worthiness. One of my disqualifiers is that I’m just not interesting enough to hold anyone’s attention. Another is the color of my skin. I have at least eight more. Continuing on the journey of believing that I am enough means that I pay attention to these disqualifiers rather than pretend they don’t run through my mind often. And then I say them aloud to safe people, because the lies are always louder and more powerful when they are hidden inside of me. Each time I say them aloud, they lose some of their power, and I’m reminded that worthiness isn’t a race that I’m somehow behind in. Worthiness isn’t a race at all. Even on my worst day, even if all those disqualifiers I’m so certain of were true, I would still be just as worthy, just as enough as I am.
My instinct with disqualifiers is to work hard to disprove them.
But the harder, more fruitful work is in stilling my frantic heart and hands, and channeling all my energy into believing what’s already true about me.
That I am eternally, unfathomably loved and cherished because I bear the image of a good God, and I will never be disqualified for being imperfect because his grace is made perfect in my weakness. The thing with disqualifiers is that they are all about external validation, but silencing those thoughts requires an internal shift in what I believe about myself. My work is to simultaneously hold my imperfection and my worthiness in the same hand because one does not cancel out the other.
I am imperfect, yes, and I am enough.
So what are your disqualifiers? What are the things you’re certain make you unworthy? Maybe make a list of them. And then hear this: You aren’t perfect. You are broken and flawed. And you are enough. Even if all your disqualifiers were true, you would still be enough. You are enough, just as you are.
If you enjoyed these words, as much as I do, follow Chichi’s blog here: www.thinspaceco.com/journal/
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